Empty Nest - It's Not ALL Bad.......

Last August Pat and I entered into the new life phase of empty-nesters. Since that time, many have asked us how we're doing, and those who are quickly approaching empty nest want to know if it's awful.....can one adjust to not having children around.......is there anything good about it???

So I just want to say....Yes, Yes and ......well, quite frankly - Yes.

Is it awful? "Awful" is a bit of a strong word, but it has been a change. For over 20 years our lives were dominated by children. While we tried to not make everything revolve around them - not wanting totally narcissistic kids - you still can't avoid the dynamics in a family with kids. Whether you're spoiling them, driving them around or disciplining them - it's still largely about "them." And even when it's not all about them - your mind is on them. You can't stop thinking about them, worrying about them. That is one thing that does not change when they leave home.

I remember when we took our oldest to college and left him, flying back here to Congo. I seriously questioned God's wisdom on the whole "free will" thing.......why did He have to create that????? I didn't want Ben to have free will - I wanted him to do exactly as he had always been taught! Free will scared me. I was no longer in charge of the choices my kids would make.

When my kids were little I remember a friend saying "little kids - little problems/worries, big kids - big problems/worries." And I do have some of those bigger worries - all of a sudden I realize that they could make certain choices that would affect the rest of their lives. It is definitely something that improves your prayer life!!

I do miss my kids and at times I have such an ache in my heart, especially when it's been months and months since I've seen them. I miss their laughter, the energy and activity that they bring to the house, I miss their friends. I even miss driving them around. Ben, Abby and Emmy - if you are reading this (and I doubt that you are - what kid reads their parent's blog???) know that you are loved and missed!!

Despite missing them - Can one adjust to not having children around? Definitely!! As many who have gone before me counseled me, life does not end with empty nest. A totally new life begins - or maybe I should say that we get to go back to our life B.K. - Before Kids. Pat and I were married for 6 years (on purpose) before having children. Honestly, we had a lot of fun. So this leads me to the last question - is there anything good about it? Of course there is!! We get to enjoy one another as husband and wife - which we always tried to do, but let's face it - parenting is demanding and time consuming, it's easy to relate to one another more as "mom and dad." Now we get to be husband and wife - I'll just stop there.......  And while the house is quiet and different, I put things up and, believe it or not, THEY STAY THERE. I can actually find things!!

In Africa, there are some definite advantages (kids - remember - we love you and miss you!!).......there is no whining when the electricity goes off - now would MY kids whine???? NEVER......but I've HEARD that some do..........whatever. When there's no city water our water tank lasts much longer when it's just Pat and I. Travel is MUCH cheaper - buying 1 or 2 tickets instead of 5.

In January, we realized another positive to empty nest - it's much easier to go through civil unrest when you're not worrying about your kids. We had a week of riots, protest and general insecurity in January. According to all sources Kinshasa came "this close" to all out fighting and lawlessness. In the middle of it all, a good friend of mine here in the city called me. We live in different parts of the city and we were giving one another updates. She's been an empty nester for a few years now and has encouraged me during this process. After filling one another in on the events in our respective parts of town she said "isn't it easier going through this when it's just you and Pat - and you know that your kids are safe??" Wow, was she right. I'm not saying that all kids are safe in the U.S. I know that there are dangers there as well. But right now, I'm just talking about our context here in Africa. I thought back to all the times over the past 25 years that we have had serious unrest and security issues. Bullet holes in the house, unable to leave our compound, rumors, fears, shooting, etc. Those things are unsettling enough - but when you have kids......and I have to say, especially when you have girls - all you can do is think about how you're going to protect them. You have to discipline your mind to not go to all the "what if's....."

I remember during our presidential elections in November 2012 - I would lie in bed at night and think about where I would try to hide the girls if people came over the wall. Those are not things that mom's like to deal with.

So, an unexpected, unanticipated positive of empty nest - while there are plenty of things that we have to worry about when they're big.........it's nice to not have them here when all kinds of rowdiness is happening.